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Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Nov. 17, 2015

Two high-altitude rain droplets are fun, but three's a cloud.

Red Lobster is the weirdest superhero name EVER.

Internet cafés, in formal settings, are known as "internet cafeterias."

If Bruce Banner was colorblind, the Hulk might think he's invisible.

A popular breakfast in Canada is "steel-cut OOT meal."

FACT: "Ellipse" is basically a Kindle for lip readers.

Nov. 16, 2015

No joke - I have eaten at SweetGreen so much this week I am starting to ovulate.

FACT: "Ellipse" is basically a Kindle for lip readers.

Lip readers must HATE ventriloquists.

Palm readers surely think of Siamese twins as reruns.

Rich people people die on California King-size deathbeds.

Lactose intolerant astronomers must HATE the Milky Way.

Fashion-conscious astronomers must HATE Orion because belts are SO last season.

At football games, people wear football jerseys to support the team. Same thing with baseball jerseys at baseball games, hockey jerseys at hockey games...
but when I wear a tutu to the ballet... to support the dancers... suddenly I'M the a-hole?
At a football game, no one has a problem yelling at the refs for a bad call... but when I yell at the choreographer for following a plié with a releve, first position, fourth position, first position and a sauté and having the AUDACITY to call it adagio? Again, I'M the a-hole?

The lesson is that football fans who go to the ballet are hypocrites.

Amish people are never struck by lightning because they don't believe in electricity.

For people who aren't big eaters, SpaghettiO's are now available in smaller fonts.

Nov. 13, 2015

Because "South Dakota" is only south of North Dakota, they should call it "South NorthDakota." For clarity's sake.

Wrinkles are God's way of giving you a corduroy birthday suit. Or, if you have varicose veins, seersucker.

FACT: a KitKat is like eating a chocolate-covered pan flute. Zamfir told me that.

All their pink lighting makes me think TMobile stores hate colorblind people.

The only plank in the GOP platform right now is that red Starbucks cups are evil.
"Jesus didn't drink HIS coffee out of a red Starbucks cup, so Starbucks clearly hates Christ." - all GOP candidates, apparently

I plan to ask my church if I can have my communion wine in a red #Starbucks cup, because blessed are the peacemakers.

FACT: Blind looky-loos prefer to be called "feely-feels."

My dry cleaner hates it when I ask to have my birthday suit cleaned and pressed. And he NEVER gets my pleats right.

It isn't fashionable for albinos to be seen after Labor Day.

Amish PowerPoint presentations are known as "shadow puppets."

Hey, #SharkTank - here's MY idea: chew toys for vampires. Keeping their teeth sharp is a niche market and I would own it.

SeaWorld announced yesterday it would be ending its killer whale shows in San Diego, which is bad news. Nothing makes killer whales angrier than being laid-off.

Q: Do you like Ben Carson?
A: I don't know - I've never been Carsed.

"My Google Doodle" is what Chuck Berry would be famous for if he were alive today.

\ The Washington Post reported yesterday that a 47-year-old woman gave birth an HOUR after discovering she was pregnant. Some think the news here is the unbelievable explanation where she thought the extra weight she was putting on was just because she was getting older. I think the story is that a 47-year-old woman only had an hour of labor. My mom is STILL going through labor with me. I'm no pediatrician but, everytime I see her, she makes a face and screams a lot.

FACT: The electric toothbrush for Amish people is manually operated.

Here's my impression of Ben Carson. "I never said I did an impression of Ben Carson."

California officials announced recently they will use a simple cocktail containing one single ingredient for lethal injections. Not surprisingly, it is gluten.

Midgets do NOT think it is cool to call them "low bro."

Based on all the barrels he throws at Italians, Donkey Kong seems xenophobic.

If an asteroid killed the dinosaurs, how did Fred Flintstone get Dino? This is why evolution is so hard to believe.

Thanks to a focus group of constipated mental patients apparently, Xifaxan's mascot is a claymation lower intestine with eyes.

Lifelong hitchhikers have bigger thumbs, according to Charles Darwin.

The only fish to be worn as slippers are sole.

FACT: What we call "fishing," fish call "The Rapture."

FACT: Old gorillas, known as "silverbacks," are being overtaken by "Grecian formulabacks."

In algebra, X can mean literally any number. So, when I do Sudoku, I just write X everywhere.

FACT: Cheerios are just flavorless Lifesavers.

Because I love jigsaw puzzles, I like to order a lot of bacon and try to rebuild the pig.

STAR WARS FACT: the midget inside R2D2 studied at Julliard... which probably explains why R2D2's Southern drawl sounds so fake.

FACT: Police in Portland, Oregon, only use artisanal local-source chalk for their body outlines.

FACT: Because of all the birds they attract, lighthouses can also be called "tern signals."

In foreign relations circles, I bet Turkey HATES the U.S. on Thanksgiving.

Has Weezer ever done a benefit show for people with emphysema?

A wheelchair is just a rickshaw that you drive yourself.

China deserves a #NASCAR-like sport involving pulling American tourists around in rickshaws.

FACT: Albinos are never hit by cars because they are so easy to see at night.

To keep from constantly rolling out of bed, hunchbacks must love sleeping in hammocks.

For homeschoolers, a meth lab in the basement is a great way to promote STEM.

It was a very disappointing Halloween, considering how many times I was told it was TOO SOON for my "zombie Trayvon Martin" costume. At Halloween, after I complemented a man on his Shaolin Monk costume, he said he bought it on the Home Shao-ping Network.

Siamese twins aren't allowed to run in Special Olympics races, because the finish is always neck and neck.

When it comes to job interviews, do Siamese twins wear the same tie or two independent ties? Wearing the SAME time probably shows that you are a good team player, but wearing two separate ties shows you are independent and self-reliant.

Seriously, we can put a man on the Moon but we still can't build a mirror for vampires?

Fitted sheets are perfect for ghosts who hate looking sloppy.

HALLOWEEN FACT: the Elephant Man invented "Trunk or Treat"

Fudging the numbers is probably pretty common among Hershey's accountants.

FACT: Canadian Spelling Bees are known as Spelling Eh's.

Now that China has reversed its one-child-only policy, this is a new Golden Age for Chinese pedophiles.

On Oct. 29, I celebrate Teddy Roosevelt's birthday the same way -- I wear a mustache and jump out of a cake shaped like President McKinley's corpse.

Nov. 2, 2015

In foreign relations circles, I bet Turkey HATES the U.S. on #Thanksgiving.

Has Weezer ever done a benefit show for people with emphysema?

China deserves a NASCAR-like sport involving pulling American tourists around in rickshaws.

A wheelchair is just a rickshaw that you drive yourself.

FACT: Albinos are never hit by cars because they are so easy to see at night. #probably

To keep from constantly rolling out of bed, hunchbacks must love sleeping in hammocks.

FACT: To a drug-sniffing dog, a junkie is a false positive. To a junkie, a drug-sniffing dog is a gang of serpents out to kill us all.

For homeschoolers, a meth lab in the basement is a great way to promote STEM.

When I complemented a man on his Shaolin Monk costume, he said he bought it on the Home Shao-ping Network.

Siamese twins aren't allowed to run in Special Olympics races, because the finish is always neck and neck.

As I keep being told, it is "too soon" for my zombie Trayvon Martin costume.

Seriously, we can put a man on the Moon but we still can't build a mirror for vampires?

Oh, how I'd LOVE to use that leftover Army spy blimp as a #Halloween candy bag tonight.

At #Halloween, vampires probably go trick-or-treating dressed as auditors and insurance salesmen. Spooky!

Fitted sheets are perfect for ghosts who hate looking sloppy.

HALLOWEEN FACT: the Elephant Man invented "Trunk or Treat" #probably

When it comes to Halloween trick-or-treaters, I am like China and enforce a one-child policy. #yousnoozeyoulose

Fudging the numbers is probably pretty common among Hershey's accountants.

FACT: If Toyota trucks are to blame for ISIS terrorists, Ford's white vans are to blame for child abductions.

FACT: Canadian Spelling Bees are known as Spelling Eh's.

China ending its "one-child-only" policy makes this a new Golden Age for Chinese pedophiles.

In honor of Teddy Roosevelt's 157th Bday, I plan to wear a mustache and jump out of a cake shaped like President McKinley's corpse.

Carly Fiorina is great and all, but the most feminine candidate on stage is Rand Paul.

Prediction: Chris Christie will claim he spent time in the military as an Army satellite blimp.

Five bucks says Chris Christie does tonight's GOP Debate by cellphone from a quiet car.

To their credit, many of the candidates in tonight's GOP Debate are proof of the need for Plannned Parenthood

To show his support for Latin-American voters, I urge Donald Trump to wear a sombrero during tonight's GOP Debate.

To dress up as former Speaker Dennis Hastert for Halloween, you just need a briefcase full of $$$ and a teenage boy, apparently.

ART FACT: Teaching surrealism is easy -- all you need are melting clocks, bananas made out of dragon fire and random word clouds.

Can a midget be considered a low-life, or is that redundant?

Depressed horses make sigh clops.

Tomorrow, play the "Benghazi hearing" drinking game: take a shot every time Hillary Clinton avoids apologizing.

Old people + disco = Downton Abba. (Wild applause)

Donald Trump will get the Latino vote once people realize he is basically wearing a hair sombrero.

Kissing a garage broom is probably what it feels like to kiss Sam Elliott on the mouth, or Frida Kahlo on the forehead.

Oct. 20, 2015

If you're going to hang yourself, do it with bungee cable so it looks like you're dancing.

FACT: A single beer in Germany is called a "uni-brau."

PLEASE tell me Donald Trump's women supporters call themselves "Trumpettes."

Dying by firing squad seems a lot more fun if you try to catch the bullets in your teeth. More fun for the audience, I mean.

I need an app that evaluates the quality of bagels and pasta. I want it to be called a "Carbo-Rater." ;)

I am still a fan of Jim Webb's work as "Tackleberry" in all those Police Academy movies.

"AA" is what agreeable Canadian alcoholic stutterers say.

To protect them from school shootings, kids have bulletproof-backpack inserts. Grown-ups can protect themselves by hiding behind kids.

Did Schroedinger have a litterbox for his cat? Yes and no.

FACT: The worst thing about zombies is the old-person smell.

I respect Hillary Clinton - it takes guts to be a woman wearing pantsuits from Men's Wearhouse.

Like Christmas thank-you notes, I bet a lot of couples argue over who should write the murder-suicide note.

I can't decide which "Real Housewife of Beverly Hills" who Steven Tyler most closely resembles.

FACT: Guys without feet are no-toe-rious.

Simplest Halloween costume of the season: Syrian President Bashar al-Assad (hide in your house and speak with a lisp). The decay rate of subatomic particles mean the Pointer Sisters will be doing the "Neutron Dance" for eons.

This weekend, I got a neck tattoo -- it is a tattoo of someone else's neck. ;)

I bought a clown car yesterday. I'm pretty sure it's pre-owned because it came with eight used clowns.

The best thing about clown cars is all the time you save using the HOV lane.

Clown cars are the worst kind of carpool - especially if you are claustrophobic and hate clowns.

Svetlana Alexievich's Nobel Prize in Literature acceptance speech had no plot and an uninteresting protagonist.

"Deconstructionist food porn" is a fancy way to describe posting photos of half-chewed food.

FOODIE FACT: Most Korean tacos taste like SOUTH Koreans.

Calculating the hypotenuse of the #BermudaTriangle involves counting a lot of ghost ships and dividing by missing WW2 fighter planes.

In high school, I tried to calculate the hypotenuse of the Bermuda Triangle but I kept losing my pencil.

It's sad how few bearded ladies use styling wax on their faces.

The Bible would be SO much funnier if an angel told Mary her child would be called "Emmanuel LEWIS."

FACT: There is nothing crazier than the parent who talks to his/her infant like an adult.

I assume men take their ties off after work for the same reason guards take them from inmates entering prison: to prevent suicide.

FACT: Hipsters are basically just bearded ladies in flannel shirts.

"I don't call them maids - I call them 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butler."

Oct. 8, 2015

Because my neighbor is blind, my Halloween costumes are just different accents.

Calculating the hypotenuse of the #BermudaTriangle involves counting a lot of ghost ships and dividing by missing WW2 fighter planes.

Clown cars are the worst kind of carpool - especially if you are claustrophobic and hate clowns.

The best thing about clown cars is all the time you save using the HOV lane.

FACT: Clown cars in Germany are called "autoklown." Probably.

Svetlana Alexievich's Nobel Prize in Literature acceptance speech had no plot and an uninteresting protagonist.

FACT: Hipsters are basically just bearded ladies in flannel shirts. Speaking of which, it's sad how few bearded ladies use styling wax on their faces.

PRESIDENTIAL FACT: FDR would've hated "The Walk."

The Bible would be SO much funnier if an angel told Mary her child would be called "Emmanuel Lewis." Jesus H. Webster, that would be funny.

FACT: There is nothing crazier than the parent who talks to his/her infant like an adult -- especially, when it's gossip.

I assume men take their ties off after work for the same reason guards take them from inmates entering prison: to prevent suicide. I don't call them maids - I call them 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butler.'"

FACT: The most literary fish is the read herring, and its favorite bait is bookworms.

Dear all you pumpkin-flipping weirdos -- "punkin-chunkin" is to be pronounced "Pumpkin Chumpkin." Sincerely, the World's Best Grammarian

Republicans say the House of Representatives is getting a new Speaker. Democrats say Republicans are flirting with McCarthyism.

A future with a President Bernie Sanders is as believable as present with gluten-free Cheerios.

"Gorillas in the Mist" always reminds me of the US Senate steamroom.

DC people barely notice autumn's falling temperatures, thanks to all the hot air comig out of the Capitol.

California is SO great - they have plastic surgeons who use compostable materials so you won't pollute the organic cemetery.

Oct. 5, 2015

MOVIE REVIEW: In his new movie, Matt Damon looks and sounds NOTHING like Marvin the Martian.

I'm writing a sequel to "The Martian," in which Mars has to stay with Matt Damon to avoid being abducted by aliens.

My Earl Gray in a to-go cup is the DEFINITION of tea mobile.

FACT: The Hubble Telescope is primarily used to observe women's bedroom windows on other planets.

Hillary Clinton's SNL appearance is a contender for "Most Lifelike Joke-Telling Cyborg" by the American Robotics Association.

BTW, never trust a robot who says he knows Optimus Prime. He's probably full of crap.

GOP cites Detroit-area wooly mammoth find as further proof of Obama Administration's failure to control nation's borders. Fortune cookies are proof that fortunetellers can't cook.

Can't remember - which one of the Spice Girls was Pumpkin Spice?

Gorillas are simply chimpanzees for people who can't see well.
Conversely, chimpanzees are just lowercase apes.

FACT: an "October" is one who octobes. (Not to be confused with an 8-sided potato, which is an octo-tuber.)

Rather than send teens to prison for murder, let's send them to Syria and let them come home if they kill 5 ISIS terrorists. #voteforme

To boost US kids' math and science skills to the level of their Asian counterparts, let's ship American teens to China ASAP. #voteforme

PREDICTION: House Speaker Boehner's successor will get black lung disease from an office steeped in years' worth of chain smoking.

FACT: Hillary Clinton likes pumpkin spice lattes, while her husband likes spicy pumpkin-shaped ladies.

My Ted Cruz Halloween costume is very simple - it's just a Marco Rubio mask with a Canadian passport.

If you were planning to trick-or-treat this year as Scott Walker, time for Plan B.

For Xmas one year, my folks gave me a flat piece of cardboard. They told me it was an ex-box.

Thank goodness for roller skates - my feet don't know how to use crutches.

Roller skates are like little wheelchairs for your feet, so don't tell ME I can't relate to the mobility-impaired.

The only thing emptier than black hole SAGE036AGN is Donald Trump's tax reform plan. It's a big empty hole and it sucks SO much not even light can escape.

I assume Dr. Who's worst enemies are Drs. What, When, How and Why.

BREAKING: Wu Shu won't be an event in the 2020 Olympics, chiefly because there is no such thing as Wu Shu.

Would a lazy eye make Superman's heat vision misdirected or just lukewarm?

FOOD FACT: cannibals believe redheads are high in vitamin C.

FACT: Lady sorcerors in the Middle East are also known as "sandwiches."

Dear Pope, the Book Of Numbers is now called the phone book. Sincerely, the 21st Century

House Speaker John Boehner is retiring from Congress, presumably to spend more time crying with his family and in the private sector.

Olive Garden's "crazy bread" isn't all that crazy. Misinformed, maybe, but not crazy.

Before returning to Rome, I hope the Pope denounces Olive Garden as the anti-pasta.

TRAVEL FACT: when in Little Italy, it is okay to call people Little Italians.

I am writing a movie about VW - get ready for "Emission: Impossible."

My favorite part of the Pope's visit to Congress was when he prayed that Joe Biden wouldn't run.

The Pope made history today by being the first person to address Congress without making Donald Trump jokes.

I wish the Pope had driven the snakes out of Congress, like St. Patrick did in Ireland.

Every day before noon, I am in morning.

Romans know that the Pope's Italian coupe is called "Executive Fiat."

Q: What do you call EDM with ice cream on top?
A: Depeche a la Mode

Just saw my first "walking school bus" - thought it was a prison chain gang that shrunk in the wash.

FACT: When you're riding in the Popemobile, the Swiss Guard does NOT think it's funny if you yell "SHOTGUN!"

FACT: Pope's jet is called Shepherd 1 because, of ALL the astronauts in The Right Stuff, the Pontiff liked Alan Shepherd best.

Given his trust in God, I wonder if the Pope allows anyone to use seatbelts on his plane.

FACT: Pink eye for men is not actually pink - it is "coral" or "salmon."

FACT: Trying to keep a straight face while watching someone prancercise counts as exercise.

I prefer to think "Empire" is a prequel to "Star Wars."

Because of his face, arms and legs, Mr. Peanut has made peanuts a gateway to cannibalism.

Q: What do liberals call floral shops?
A: Plant Parenthood

Sept. 18, 2015

I was eating peanut M&Ms and had a terrible surprise -- one of the peanut M&Ms broke apart in the bag, so all I got were fragments of what might have been. It was very sad and disappointing, but it helps me relate to the Planned Parenthood issue.

If Congress wants to ever be cool, Elizabeth MacDonough should be forced to wear dreadlocks and call herself the Parliamentarian Funkadelic.

Linen pants are basically high-fiber pajamas.

If I can see your bellybutton through a dress shirt that is too small, you are WEARING a navel observatory.

FACT: James "Whitey" Bulger coined the phrase "Don't trust Whitey."

FACT: Donald Trump is the only presidential candidate in US history to dry his hair with a leaf blower.

FACT: Small catapults are known as "kittenapults."

FACT: I would vote for ANY presidential candidate who admits to being in the KISS Army.

BREAKING: Donald Trump biopic gets green light. Get ready for "Straight Outta HAIRSPRAY." Hey, GOP -- arguing as a group is just mass debating.

I am now 100 percent certain that Donald Trump is not wearing a wig but, instead, a mink-version of those tinfoil hats crazy people wear.

If she wants MY vote, Carly Fiorina will just tell Yo Mama jokes throughout tonight's GOP debate.

I wish reporters would ask the Pope meaningful questions, like which GOP candidate would HE like to see crucified.

I assume the Pope's only in-flight snacks are communion wafers and red wine.

I assume the Pope is using a Jeep as his US Popemobile because 4WD is only way to handle DC potholes.

FACT: New subway stop in NYC began as a pothole.

FACT: Nena's "99 Red Balloons" glamorizes the life of a drug mule.

To get it SO white, I bet Skeletor washes his face with toothpaste.

FACT: at least 15 percent of GOP voters wish the 9/11 terrorists had crashed into Donald Trump's penthouse.

I bet Siamese twins often disagree on what to clap about.

Sept. 11, 2015

FACT: At least 15 percent of GOP voters wish the 9/11 terrorists had crashed into Donald Trump's penthouse.

I bet Siamese twins often disagree on what to clap about.

FACT: Not only are they slimming but straitjackets also make you look 20 percent saner.

FACT: If cops were issued Nerf nightsticks, police brutality would be MUCH more pleasant.

Police body cameras should feature Instagram filters so the video of my beating will look pretty or at least make me look thin.

Part of me still thinks Lutherans worship Lex Luthor.

FACT: The most fearful dinosaur was the Duyuthinkhesaurus.

If sunshine is a contributor to global warming, why isn't the EPA suing KC and his Sunshine Band? I totally would. I am glad I never read "The Neverending Story" as a child because I probably wouldn't be done yet.

Sometimes, when I am really angry, I flip people off with ALL my fingers. Take five, world!

Responses
Date Author Title
10/04/06 Novak Productions Re: BLOGGER OF WRONGS!
02/14/07 The JunkMan WRONG!
05/11/07 Jayce Jayce
06/06/07 Michael Stull Craig Thomas
06/11/07 Charlotte Davis Re: Remembering Craig
09/22/07 derek Good
09/23/07 naomi yoooo!
09/25/07 alex i love u
06/14/10 Bryan Hecox Re:

 
 
 
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