Sept. 3, 2010

Having seen daytime TV, I continue to think it is weird how happy a "makeover" makes some women, since a "makeover" simply means her friends think she is ugly and dresses badly.

Last night, I got a drunk tweet from Dora the Explorer disparaging SB 1070. Ella era borracha!

I wish someone would make bread sticks folded into a Moebius strip -- infinite garlic bread! Hint hint, Olive Garden.

I am pretty sure primatologists refer to dead gorillas as "went-rillas." By the way, ape colonies should be called "apiaries" and bee colonies as "hives." I mean, come on. Duh.

I like to think of bellhops as hotel sherpas, because it makes a few of them dying on the way to my room less of a shock.

The WaterPic is the perfect size for extinguishing lighters.

The winner of next season's "American Idol" should get Simon Cowell's old job.

I remember the good old days, when Ashley Judd was more hot than preachy.

Chicago dentist William DeJean paid for several "Hillary Clinton for President 2012" TV ads that are currently airing. Apparently, he is the world's only dentist trying to get us to stop smiling.

As it turns out, the President's talk of a "summer of recovery" is a summer of re-covering -- specifically, he got new carpet in the Oval Office which was a mistake. Between the family dog and his backpedaling, tile or linoleum would've been wiser.

Sept. 2, 2010

Yesterday's shooting of would-be bomber/theatre critic James Lee is the Discovery Channel's first daytime cancellation.

James Lee was the first person to hold a network hostage since Jay Leno held a gun to NBC's head.

For Helen Thomas' family, it's an increasingly fine line between a nap and a false alarm.

I feel sorry for blind people who have to pick up after their seeing eye dogs... although, on the bright side, the loss of vision is said to enhance their other senses, so picking up after seeing eye dogs is probably easier for them than for the sighted -- especially if you consider that corn is sort of like braille.

I can't decide who has the worst facial hair in politics -- Alaska's Joe Miller, New Mexico's Bill Richardson or Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadenijad.

Senate candidate Joe Miller (R-Alaska) is apparently so smitten with Sarah Palin's endorsement, he is trying to grow a ponytail on his face.

Dehydrated people who are plum tuckered are, technically, "prune" tuckered.

The only explanation for Nancy Grace's ballooning figure is that, after yelling at her guests, she eats them.

I hope no one thinks I'm egocentric if I retweet my own tweets.

Sept. 1, 2010

I bet I'd get sleepy or depressed huffing glue made from Eeyore.

I don't know if "techno" is the best music to play during an electrocution, but I'm pretty sure the best music at a hanging is either swing... or Huey Lewis and the Noose.

I'm pretty sure judges endure the summer heat with shortie robes.

I once told a child that "Mrs. Clause" is a legal term for a pre-nup. Needless to say, that kid is still not married.

I can meditate harder and more peacefully than ten men.. any time, any place. Bring it, suckaz!

The President addressed the nation last night, and announced that U.S. combat operations in Iraq have ended -- thereby starting the countdown until we resume combat operations in Iraq.

Between you and me, I think no President should be allowed to address the nation unless he can survive ABC's "Wipeout."

Nick Cannon is proof Mariah Carey has no taste - though her wardrobe was sort of a hint too.

Aug. 31, 2010

The President would score points by ending his Address to the Nation tonight by pulling a Steven Slater by yelling at America and jumping out the window.

I am embarrassed to say nursing homes don't let you nurse. Talk about false advertising!

Globes are like catnip to those of us with a God complex.

The smaller the globe, the more my God complex likes it.

People with multiple personalities and a God complex are, by definition, polytheists.

I wonder whether Rep. Eddie Bernice Johnson (D-Texas) will give ME a scholarship if I let her adopt me.

Sen. Lisa Murkowski's (D-Alaska) political future would be brighter if she wore a ponytail and sang with Glenn Beck between Tweets. "Bento box" is Japanese for "Lunchables."

I wonder if EMTs can die from giving mouth-to-mouth to someone who drank poison.

Aug. 29, 2010

I am working on a Steven Slater costume so, this year, I'll be able to leave Halloween parties early.

I wonder how many close calls Tinkerbell has had with insects mistaking her for a buglight.

I didn't attend Glenn Beck's "Restoring Honor" rally in D.C. yesterday because I am allergic to nuts.

Saturday's rally proves Glenn Beck is running for Pope.

After watching his performance on "Meet the Press" to discuss Hurricane Katrina relief, it is clear that Brad Pitt needs a scriptwriter 24/7.

Donna Brazile is slowly becoming Al Sharpton... and vice versa.

Their blue skin color and short stature suggest all Smurfs are anemic.

Ironically, David Hasselhoff is on "Dancing With The Stars" because the show's producers were drunk.

SpikeTV should have "Poledancing With The Stars."

Sushi restaurants would've been the hangout of the Sharks in a modern-day "West Side Story." You see, sharks like uncooked fish.

It doesn't take a Sherlock to guess Arthur Conan Doyle gave his friends "Holmes Sweet Holmes" needlepoints.

Aug. 27, 2010

The upside to Iowa's "contaminated egg" issue is that more Americans than ever before are praying before meals.

I wonder if the Beatles ever worried about a salmonella-contaminated Eggman. Strangely, Humpty Dumpty claims he was the Walrus.

This season on "Dancing with the Stars," America will learn Alaska's painful secret - Bristol Palin dances like her brother Trig.

My prediction -- tucking in and buttoning his shirt on "Dancing with the Stars" will end it early for "The Situation."

Sometimes I wonder the poison control mascot Officer Ugg, shown with his hands over his mouth, is keeping poison out of his mouth or is swallowing evidence. An unlikely third possibility is that his partner has B.O.

Speaking of questionable public-service mascots, don't believe McGruff the Crime Dog -- he encourages you to "take a bite out of crime" apparently is not to be used on hookers -- unless they're into it.

I worry about research that shows one can get brain cancer from using the cellphone too much -- 'cuz I only use my cellphone for 'sexting.'

I wonder if a stripper for Mr. Potatohead's birthday jumps out of a potato cake or just peels.

I worry I'll get Spyro Gyral meningitis, an infection spread by 1970s smooth jazz records.

The thousand-acre grass fire in Wyoming is the nation's biggest sagebrush-scented potpourri.

The blend of helpful shopkeepers and unemployed talking monsters on Sesame Street could've been avoided with better zoning.

Today, I saw a Unicef ad which said the recent floods took everything from Pakistan's children. The upside is they didn't have much to begin with. With wall-to-wall mudbaths, Mother Nature has given Pakistan the greatest gift of all -- a year at a spa, gratis.

Aug. 26, 2010

Given his height, the Jolly Green Giant's decision to wear a tunic makes him a Jolly Green Exhibitionist.

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer smokes so much, she's cured herself like a Black Forest ham - which, in a way, is sort of a health plan.

I can't decide if Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer looks like the inspiration for Wayland Flowers' Madam... or is ACTUALLY Madam.

If Charles Schulz was alive, he'd draw Lucy sitting at her small office with a sign reading "The Lohan Is OUT - 5 cents."

The NYC mosque issue will likely be resolved when it is inevitably converted into religious sublets called "mosque-itoes."

Aug. 25, 2010

Alaskan politicians rely on North polls.

Sled dogging from one town to another would make it tough to campaign in Alaska, but the campaign promises are pretty simple -- a chicken in every igloo and synchronizing the Aurora Borealis with Laser Floyd.

I like the Sleep Number Bed, because it ensures my endless nights of curling up in the fetal position aren't hard on my back.

By the way, to make it harder for the bedbug invaders, each night before going to bed, I laminate myself.

Presumably, hungry recovering alcoholics must eat virgin cocktail weiners.

Take it from me -- the hardest animals to spay or neuter are balloon animals.

According to news reports, the DEA hopes to hire Ebonics translators so agents will better understand conversations between drug dealers. If they want to hire Ebonics translators, they first should provide "federal employment form" translators. Seriously -- what is an SF52? 1532A? KSAs? Optional OM-12B? It's as if it were produced by a Federal Bureau of the Gibberish.

Toshiba announced it is developing a "no-glasses" 3-D television. I believe it is just a window.

Aug. 24, 2010

Waffles are the perfect breakfast for indecisive people.

It's sad that The Situation earns $5 million for taking off his shirt and walking around but, when a woman does it, she only gets $1 per song.

Not surprisingly, Shirley Sherrod turned down the job offer from the USDA. Apparently, her job title would have been Egg Taster, Iowa Division.

I bet Humpty Dumpty's fall from the wall had something to do with salmonella.

I prefer to think of albinos as pasties.

I'm no economist, but I theorize that inflation is the reason my silver dollar pancakes are the size of fifty-cent pieces.

Speaking of coins, the tight quarters in their lamps probably explains why the tips of genies' shoes curl up.

I hope someone knows when Chinese Fiscal New Year starts, because I've got a yen to dress up as Baby Chinese Fiscal New Year.

I wish a doctor would explain how Frankenstein's monster got such a flat head. It almost looks fake.

I am pretty sure a convertible SmartCar is just a baby buggy.

Aug. 23, 2010

Given the Taliban's use of caves and spider holes, the war on terror needs fewer bombs and more Foaming Pipesnake.

Given the obesity problem in the US, it is surprising that Americans aren't protesting NYC's new PopTart museum like they are the proposed mosque.

I wish I could dress like the Aquabats every day, instead of only on holidays.

Since the public is invited to pick the last "wake-up" song on the space shuttle, I do NOT recommend "WipeOut."

As discussed on this morning's NPR, Mimi Rosenthal -- the 101-year-old granny who got a tattoo -- is so old that, technically, it is a temporary tattoo.

As any Iowan knows, America hasn't been this concerned about bad eggs since the Octomom.

Aug. 22, 2010

I just bought my grandmother a push-up bra. It was embarrassing -- especially helping her try it on. She needs to look her best, considering it's supposed to be an open-casket funeral. How else will she entice pallbearers? She had a hard enough time getting picked up by men when she was alive.

I wonder if Pinocchio will age badly because of his failure to use linseeed oil as a youth.

Bagels are just XXL Cheerios.

Where do snowmen go when they melt? Presumably to snowheaven, which is where snow angels come from.

I am pretty sure that an aardvark who likes to paint is an artvark and not, as popularly thought, an aardvart.

Because camels are the "ships of the desert," camels with no legs must be the submarines of the desert.

I drank a 12-pack of O'Doul's, which makes me a non-alcoholic - so I joined Non-Alcoholics Anonymous.

I assume Aladdin cleaned his flying carpet with a Flying CarpetVac.

If fish swim in a school, pilot whales must swim in a flight school. I hope, somewhere in the ocean's many flight schools, there are pilot whales called Maverick, Goose and IceMan.

Jason Schwartzman in "Funny People" looks like Aziz Ansari's older, better-looking sister. He is the hairiest woman in Hollywood.

Everyone has a negative opinion of the recession -- but I try to be an optimist. With all the people out of work, there are fewer workplace deaths. Recessions save lives!

Aug. 20, 2010

I wonder why the BYU Cougars don't use 50-year-old women as cheerleaders.

I also wonder if adding vermouth and gin to my Big Swig can be called a Mini-Mart-ini?

Maybe I'm oversensitive but, in the now-famous internet video, does anyone else think it strange that Antoine Dodson is wearing a black wifebeater? I think it's inappropriate, because he doesn't seem like the marrying kind.

I am pretty sure Steven Tyler from Aerosmith is just a skeleton wearing a wig and wax lips.

If you ever look close at some heiroglyphics, you'll see an eye with what looks like false eyelashes. That is an example of early Egyptian calligraphy.

Romantic relationships between students and teachers is a bad idea -- especially if they're homeschoolers.

Things would improve for Dr. Laura if she would learn to dance "The Dougie" -- and preferably without using the N-word.

Aug. 19, 2010

I am an optimist, and think one of the perks of a cat dying in the winter is that it frees up the litterbox for kids to use as a sled. Speaking of which, I wonder if PetsMart has a returns/exchanges policy on litterboxes. I certainly hope so, because I made an ‘oops.’ If they don’t, some lucky kid gets a sled.

The superpowers He gave to Underdog and Mighty Mouse are proof that God hates cats too.

Considering his age, I'm beginning to think "Larry King Live" is sort of an oxymoron.

I assume rich people don't wash their hands, preferring instead to have them drycleaned.

Earlier today, I read that Dr. Ruth Westheimer hopes people will think of sex when they think of her -- and now I can't think of anything else!

Bigfoot hates rain, given his lack of an electrical outlet for his blowdryer.

I wonder if anyone bothered to tell Cinderella about all the pumpkin seeds stuck to her gown when she got out of her carriage.

Fencing will never truly gain popularity until competitors get to dress like pirates instead of beekeepers.

I worry that the end of cartoon strip "Cathy" in newspapers just means she's moving to AARP Magazine.

I assume the dance move "The Dougie" was named for me.

Considering how many flip-flops are used at campaign rallies, campaign season flip-flopping actually generates jobs in the shoe industry.

The "I-like-the-mosque/don't-like-the-mosque" bit is proof that President Obama can do a good impression of Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.).

One day, science will determine why redheads are so likely to vote Republican. Are there any redheaded Democrats? Don't say Sen. Strom Thurmond (D-S.C.). He doesn't count because, technically, his hair was a purplish- burgundy, thanks to the mercurochrome he used to dye it.

Aug. 18, 2010

I bet Bigfoot hates rain, given his lack of an electrical outlet for his blowdryer.

Prison isn't big enough for Blago. Correction: Prison isn't big enough for Blago's hair. His hair is shiv-proof -- pass it on!

Blago should've gone to prison, if only for the prison haircut. He'll never get protection from the skinheads with hair like that... but, on other hand, hair like his could help him escape Rapunzel-style.

I have no idea how Mickey Mouse keeps his bowtie on, since he has no shirt.

Given how few compliments I get on my pleats, it may no longer be worth it to iron my cutoffs for work.

I worry that it may not be possible to invent an adjective that trumps "redonkulous."

I have no idea how octopi come up with all the money they need for underarm deodorant, since they have no pockets to carry their wallets.

Not surprisingly, Kim Kardashian's sex tape can only be watched on a wide screen.

I worry about the effect climate change will have on Vanilla Ice.

I am confident Heaven doesn't allow blues -- so if you led a good life but like BB King, you're boned. If you ARE BB King, you're doubleboned.

Make Love, Not World of Warcraft.

Polite atheists don't believe in Gosh.

Aug. 17, 2010

Urologists suffer a lot of peer pressure.

I can't believe that Dora the Explora is 10 years old today -- in my head, she's been telling me she's 18! DIECIOCHO EN MY CABEZA!

Hey, cats -- surprise! That looks ANYthing like a Fancy Feast!

I wonder how many MilkBones it took to teach kung fu to Hong Kong Phooie.

Sadly, Defense Secretary Gates' retirement plans include joining Sylvester Stallone and the Expendables.

General David Petraeus says Gates' retirement will be a situational withdrawal based on conditions at the time, and is more of a process than a fixed date.

I worry that, as he gets older, Chewbacca will gradually become Gumbacca.

I envy the Pilgrims because, despite all their many hardships, their clothes always matched.

I bet wayward Scotsmen wear mini-kilts when they go clubbing.

People who sing softly to themselves on the Metro are too broke for a Walkman.

I wish the Redskins website had a webcam on Albert Haynesworth's locker to be called "Al-Is-Heera."

Aug. 16, 2010

I think Tareq Salahi is magic. How else to explain a dumpy guy with a hot wife but without a real job? He's like a tubby David Copperfield.

The morbidly obese are the best -- if you enjoy doing body shots, that is. They'll never leave you and -- best of all -- will never complain about you wearing those pants with that shirt.

Given America's high divorce rate, wedding presents should be leased.

For the sake of art, I'd like CSPAN more if lawmakers mimed their remarks.

Auctioneers should get workman's comp for being tongue tied.

I hope President Obama takes advantage of the congressional recess and convenes a beer summit between Steven Slater and JetBlue.

I may grow a mustache to help my Golda Meir Halloween costume.

I refuse to wear "Mom" jeans on any day except Mother's Day. Growing up, I wore hand-me-downs. To me, they were always "step-mom" jeans.

I haven't had my identity stolen, which is surprising how often I leave it out in the open.

In South Carolina, Democratic Senate candidate Alvin Greene's porn charge will endear him to voters -- specifically, Republican voters.

Aug. 13, 2010

Considering how much debt we owe, children born on US soil are technically half-Chinese.

I wonder if vegans make a sad face when feeding their Venus Flytraps.

Given the amount of trashcans they seem to feed from, bears are environmental terrorists when hibernating. If we want to help reduce our carbon footprint, we need to keep bears awake and eating garbage all winter long.

I'm pretty sure standing perfectly still on the dance floor is how Amish people do the robot.

I do a great Antoine Dodson impression, but need a volunteer from the audience to go around raping everybody and breaking in people houses.

I remain mystified at the popularity of cargo pants among those without cargo.

I laughed so hard at something on the Internet, I Wikileaked.

Aug. 12, 2010

With all his bunnies, Hugh Hefner is technically an animal hoarder.

Not surprisingly, most Shake Weights sold are for bachelorette parties.

I lost interest in Comedy Central's roast of David Hasselhoff when I learned learned matches and lighter fluid weren't involved - but I'd go, if only because he guarantees there will be an open bar.

People who can solve the Rubik's Cube are called Rubik's Cubans.

If President Obama's poll numbers get any lower, people may confuse him with NBC's Ann Curry.

At this rate, Robert Gibbs should be investigating whether BP can do a static kill on pollsters.

Now that he's dead, former Rep. Dan Rostenkowski has improved his odds of being elected to Congress again by Chicago voters.

However, the political realist in me wonders how many people will slip stamps into his casket at the funeral.

Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-N.Y.) is behaving just like a New Yorker -- rather than be kicked out of the House, he is threatening to become a squatter.

Thanks to Republican voters in Connecticut, I can't wait until former WWF chairwoman Linda McMahon is elected to the Senate and smashes folding chairs over Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn.). Like her, I'd gladly pay $21 million for the privilege of doing so! It's a bargain at twice the price!

I sort of hope Dick Cheney's new heart pump was made by BP so it would make his heart go "BP BP BP BP BP BP" for 108 days before someone succeeded in flooding it with concrete. Of course, if it makes Cheney laugh, his heart would go "BP BP BP BP BPBPBPBPBBBBBBBBBeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...."

I am pretty sure pirates would wear eyepatches on both eyes when it was sunny out.

Dracula is lucky because he knows where all the all-night dry cleaners are.

I was told today that I look just like Heath Ledger. Lately. I bet LifeAlert is being put out of business by old people who can Tweet "I've fallen and I can't get up."

I can't decide whether Fred Flintstone was wearing an orange fur sack dress or an orange fur wifebeater.

Aug. 8, 2010

I enjoy the weird looks I get on airplanes when I read P.J. O'Rourke's "Peace Kills." Out loud.

Yesterday, I renewed my belief that children on airplanes are the reason God invented pet carriers.

I also wish stewardesses would take my hint and issue chloroform to noisy kids -- or to me, so I won't have to hear them screaming.

I worry that, if the eyes are the windows to the soul, some people may be peering into them just see my inner child naked.

Wrinkles mean your birthday suit is becoming corduroy.

I wonder when my pilates instructor will endorse my plan to eat pie and lattes.

I also wonder how many acres of rainforest are consumed each year by Holland's wooden shoe industry. Gives "board feet" a whole new meaning!

I once told a kid that timber theft was called lumberjacking.

I am pretty sure Cinderella was simply too polite to say how awful it felt dancing in slippers made of glass.

I think the unbelievable passenger capacity of clown cars would make them ideal police cars.

I am not an expert in inventory management, but assumes hookers use FIFO.

After all these years, I still think Rep. Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn.) should chair the House Vulcan Impersonators Caucus.

Sometimes I wonder if people saying "unicorn" mean to say "eunuch horn" - because I don't know what that is.

Unicycles should come with training wheels.

My inner child needs a time-out.

Aug. 6, 2010

The fatter Americans get, the more my personal space is threatened.

I wonder why the border patrol doesn't let ABC build a wall like on "Wipeout" - winners get to stay in the U.S.

Only the very best cat burglars can wear tapdancing shoes.

I can't understand why each week Jos. A. Bank does new TV ads that make buying suits sound like a story problem. "Buy one suit, and your next 25 percent off -- and three additional suits free -- on a train from Phoenix to Portland, while a second train is traveling southbound at 22 mph."

Thinks the President's birthday present -- spending it without his wife -- was offset by enduring Oprah's attempts to jump out of his cake.

Using Andy Griffith to promote Obamacare on TV is a little like Kirstie Alley promoting WeightWatchers.

By the way, I do a great Andy Griffith impersonation... but I need a volunteer from the audience to be the funeral director.

Wyclef Jean will be Haiti's Jimmy Carter. I worry that, if he is elected president of Haiti, he will rename the capital city "Port au Jean."

Blaze orange camouflage only works if you're hunting Cheetos.

Aug. 3, 2010

I just learned that a child in a hot car could die in as little as 15 minutes. Finally -- global warming has a silver lining!

Let the record show I am optimistic -- I think we could get that down to 12 minutes. Let's all work together -- roll up your windows, America!

Bristol Palin didn't break off her engagement - she simply "refudiated" marriage to Levi Johnson. "Irregardless," she's still married to going around and using her baby as a prop in her pro-abstinence speeches. That kid can look forward to years of therapy.

Cleaning a child's KoolAid-stained mouth is the reason God invented Clorox bleach pens.

The weather this summer makes it pretty clear that Mother Nature needs a boyfriend.

Yesterday's brewery shooting in Connecticut will make it necessary to go through a metal detector before being fired.

I REALLY feel bad about misinterpeting the term "pound puppies" and I promise to pay the veterinary bills.

It's sad that myths about a dying Bill Cosby get more news coverage than the truth about a lively Doug!

Aug. 3, 2010

Ghosts probably look forward to summer, so they can wear short-sleeve sheets.

Scientists say bedbugs can go a year without sucking my blood. Considering how small my apartment is, I'm far more concerned about futonbugs.

Speaking of things that suck, I once dated a bulimic swordswallower. Whenever she'd vomit, everyone had to duck and cover... which really sucked.

The animals in the Quiznos commercials are the best weight loss aid on the market.

Lady Gaga's admission she used to do cocaine explains her wardrobe.

Considering the House Ethics Committee's condemnation of her, I hope Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif.) sets a good example for Rep. Charlie Rangel D-N.Y.) in telling her constituents she is a victim.

August 1, 2010

Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin would be prettier if she'd drink more caffeine. She constantly looks like she just woke up, which proves just how boring being a historian really is.

I wonder why guinea pigs don't taste like regular pigs.

I wonder if sleepwalkers use naps just to run errands?

Pelvic exams mean nothing unless they are graded on a curve.

Presumably, most humpback whales are the result of bad posture.

I can't figure out why the woman in "Step Up In 3D" has a bowlcut and a ponytail. As she says "Everything you need to know... is in my dancing," so we may never know. My money is on either a cult membership requirement or bizarre dance-related mishap with a Flo-Bee.

The hardest thing about liquid paper is trying to find a liquid typewriter.

I am honoring the Discovery Channel's "Shark Week" by wearing sharkskin suits thru Friday. Come to think of it, I ought to be featured on Shark Week for being such a great white.

July 30, 2010

I just saw Rep. Charlie Rangel's (D-N.Y.) resume on Monster.com. Not surprisingly, it was covered in Caribbean tanning lotion.

It is surprising that parent groups haven't yet tried to come up with a less offensive name for gumballs.

I would totally motorboat the Queen of England, if it meant getting a knighthood.

I wonder if hunchbacks consider people wearing backpacks as mockery or homage.

July 29, 2010

I wish our Border Patrol would dress like Canadian mounties, so illegal aliens would think they'd gone too far north and head south.

Either that, or dress them up in 1960s-era Star Trek uniforms -- THAT would freak out the aliens. You know you've tunneled too far when you wind up in a place that looks exactly like those planets Capt. Kirk used to beam down to, surrounded by dudes from Star Trek.

A substantial percentage of praying mantises are not actually praying to God. If they are like me, many are just napping.

I wonder if teen cobblers go to boot camp.

It seems weird that no Democrat has yet used the term "FUBAR" to describe Rep. Charlie Rangel's (D-N.Y.) political future.

July 28, 2010

The Mayans' prediction that the world will end in 2012 is good news for the Social Security Trust Fund, and GREAT news for anyone worried about the growing size of the national debt.

I always root for the bus when there is a person running to catch it. This explains why I'm so often seen in a cheerleader outfit.

I am pretty sure waffle irons are worthless, since waffles so rarely get wrinkled.

The body cavity search LA jailers gave Lindsay Lohan over the weekend will help her better portray Linda Lovelace in "Inferno."

I applaud President Obama for blaming the Shirley Sherrod imbroglio on USDA Secretary Tom Vilsack -- it's the first problem he hasn't blamed on President Bush.

I do not plan to tape President Obama's appearance on "The View," but DO plan to send talking points and red meat to Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

July 27, 2010

Could a Sasquatch marry a Wookie, or would static cling make it impossible?

I wonder if Santana is allowed to rent cars from Alamo. (bonus points if you knew Santa Anna attacked the Alamo)

I stopped shaving my legs so, in a few weeks, people will think ZZTop is carrying me around.... though I fully expect a few questions about who the little guy is in the middle.

I used to think a pocket square was just a midget nerd. I learned it isn't.. after my dry cleaner rescued him from the drycleaning solution. During his trial, he pleated insanity.

I hope I can buy self-esteem on eBay, because I can't afford name-brand esteem... which is sort of why I need it in the first place.

I grabbed a toothpick on the way out of the restaurant and was surprised to learn it was Lydia Hearst.

July 26, 2010

I spent most of today standing in the chilly draft of an open refrigerator door - much to Safeway's chagrin.

This heat was accurately predicted by the Book of Revelations, which is amazing considering they didn't have Doppler 5000 back then.

With this heat, I wish I'd studied harder in raindance class.

I'm trying to open up membership in the VFW to people who are battle scarred from war-themed video games. The Veterans of Simulated Wars have suffered too, haven't they? Have you SEEN their thumbs?

I've never felt the need to go to Comic-Con when I can dress up like Princess Leia right here. By the way, I clearly need another gold-bikini wax again.

To protect against droughts, public schools should give students P.E. credit for raindancing.

I sometimes wonder if a Good Humor man could ever be demoted to Humor man.

MadMen glamorizes drinking, smoking and the Lyndon Johnson administration.

I hope Shirley Sherrod tells the USDA "No" - and, for comedy's sake, with much profanity.

Bugs Bunny is a hypocrite - he constantly walks around nude unless swimming is involved, when he feels the need to wear old-time bathing suits.

I bet rehabs and interventions don't work on people named Odie.

I was once asked if I liked Steven Hawking. I replied "I don't know -- I've never Stevenhawked." Gales of laughter all around!

July 22, 2010

Wilford Brimley's pharmaceutical ads are effective because he is a method diabetic.

Scrooge McDuck a la orange would be the priciest entree on the menu. Though coq au vin made with Robot Chicken wouldn't be cheap either.

Before there were Xerox machines, people had to copy their butt on sheets of carbon paper. How far we've come!

July 21, 2010

I wish the U.S. government would reconsider its refusal to allow Predators to serve in the military. At the very least, let them fight the War on Drugs, the War on Obesity or the Warren Zevon.

I'm an optimist. I believe zeppelins are just gigantic balloon animals waiting to happen.

People who wear sunglasses while playing poker are idiots - especially if it's strip poker.

If love is blind, somewhere there is a very romantic seeing-eye dog.

In my opinion, "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" is the world's most polite, family-friendly musical porno.

I applaud Los Angeles law enforcement for finally catching, sentencing and jailing Lindsay Lohan, a scofflaw's scofflaw whose years of lawscoffery have finally caught up with her:
-- In 1998, she "trapped" her parents using deception, lying and shenanigans.
-- In 2004, she confessed to being a teenage drama queen, without a license.
-- In 2005, she exceeded local speed limits and numerous local traffic laws in a haunted Volkswagen -- also without a license.

From now on, my safe word is "refudiate." It helps that my dominatrix looks like Sarah Palin. She makes me call her "Mama Grizzly," and then she treats me like a pit bull with lipstick.

July 20, 2010

Sometimes I wonder if Weird Al's full name is Weird Alcoholic, because my neighbor's is.

I also wonder if there is a Twitter for sadomasochists, one that prevents them from using ANY characters. For some people, THAT would be painful.

Speaking of which, I wish everyone in the BDM chatroom would stop and help me find my keys. They have to be here somewhere.

How many times did the Three Muskateers escape danger by giving their pursuers cavities?

Sometimes I wish there was a Kentucky Roller Derby, for fat girls with roller skates.

I can't decide whether Nick Cannon is an ironic choice to host "America's Got Talent," or a sarcastic one.

July 19, 2010

If the Labor Department allows people to work past retirement age, they should be equally flexible on child labor laws. The machines of the beleaguered American textiles industry needs their tiny little hands.

A person with a foot fetish probably hates Metric -- though fans of the Metric system probably include both meter maids and metrosexuals.

Medieval Times' commitment to historical accuracy extends to personal hygiene of the kitchen staff. For those who don't know, it is a weird combo of Casa Bonita and a Renaissance Fair... and their meals go medieval on your insides. There is also a vegetarian-friendly version called Tofu-evil Times. It's primarily for vegetarians who can't spell.

I am glad Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. wasn't an insomniac or he might not have had a dream.

Driving a hearse is probably pretty depressing, but look on the bright side -- they get to drive in the HOV lane!

I can't figure out why anyone named Cutie would hire a Death Cab.

My leg has fallen asleep but, thankfully, he's a sleepwalker so it's all good.

I like peaches with vanilla ice cream. I call it De Peach a la Mode.

Abstinence is the best policy when it comes to "Inception."

July 17, 2010

Dick Cheney's LVADS will seriously limit his ability to waterboard people. I guess he'll just have to get used to watching others do it.

I am writing "National Lampoon's Staycation," in which the Griswolds stay home due to bad economic conditions.

I wish someone would do a sequel to "Born Free" in which they'd release Elsa the Lion in a mall or daycare center.

Presumably, people with scoliosis decorate their dining tables with off-centerpieces.

Yo Mama so ugly, there aren't enough coyotes in nature to describe her. She is infinite coyote ugly.

Yo Mama so fat, sex with her is considered offshore drilling.

Yo Mama so fat, she has a brewery gut.

Yo Mama so fat, she models for shipbuilders.

A health and fitness expert talked me into trying a coffee enema -- and they're great. They're quick, healthy and -- as a favor to Mother Earth -- Starbucks reuses the cup. It does make me worry about what they're putting in Java Chip frappachinos.

I used to work for my uncle. He's an exterminator -- which is a funny job title, especially when "abortion doctor" is easier to spell. When I started, he had me answer phones but eventually I was promoted to manager of Coathangers and Alibis. It was mostly coathangers, because I'm not very good at alibis. The best I could come up with was "It wasn't me -- I was out getting coathangers."

My romantic prospects are so bleak, about the best I can hope for is to die and meet a necrophiliac -- hopefully one with a steady job and who is good to his Mother. It's a little old-fashioned, but that's just how I was raised.

July 16, 2010

I am not sure how to feel about news that former Vice President Dick Cheney's new left ventricular assistance defibrillator system (LVADS) allows him a constant steady-stream circulatory system -- ending his pulse. The system is battery operated, so he must carry batteries with him, and plug himself in at night like a Dustbuster.

"Hey Cheney - is that a battery in your pocket or are you happy to see me?" IT'S A BATTERY.

I wonder how many more upgrades it will take before Cheney is considered a cyborg. Can't be long!

It would be ironic if Cheney's new LVADS was paid for by Obamacare. Between Cheney or Obama, I'm not sure who would be more offended.

Superman fans know Cheney is only a chunk of kryptonite away from turning into Metallo.

This Christmas, Santa should bring Dick Cheney an extension cord, in case he is a sleepwalker.

A power lunch for Cheney now is just a jumpstart.

Sadly, the life expectancy for someone with the LVADS is less than two years... which begs the question: Which of Cheney's eventual pallbearers will get to carry the dead batteries?

I agree with Jewel that a disguise is the best thing for people who sing Jewel songs. Bananas are God's way of making us all look like monkeys.

I want to know how to hook up lightbulbs to my shoes so deaf people can enjoy my tapdancing.